My binge drinking began in high school, and with it, blackouts and promiscuous sex. I brought hard liquor in Gatorade bottles to school dances and hooked up with boys in darkened hallways. I lost my virginity to a guy I barely knew at a house party. When I woke up the next morning, I hardly remembered it.
My friends and I had fake ID’s and would go out to bars. I met lots of men and had lots of casual sex. One night as I drifted in and out of drunken consciousness, I was date raped by a man who I thought was a friend. A few months later, it happened again. At the time I didn’t connect the drinking with the negative episodes in my life. I thought that everyone drank the way I did. I was angry that my life wasn’t going as I wanted it to and that so many bad things were “happening to me.” I felt completely out of control and weak because I could not stop drinking, and my self-esteem began to plummet. I would seek to increase my self-esteem by getting attention from men, often with sex, but when they ultimately rejected me, I felt even worse.
When I graduated high school my drinking progressed, and my friends began to get real lives. I remained stuck in a pattern of drinking all day, every day. I needed help.
In recovery I have witnessed a miracle in myself. I have been given a new life. I am less jealous, angry, and lonely. I am present in my relationships with family and friends. I am attracting the kind of people that I want to attract and giving back to people more than I ever could when I was drinking.
- Amy, 19